Loneliness

This blog has never been for anybody else, but me so I thought I'd let out some more feelings that I'm feeling right now. This isn't necessarily for anybody to read, so please, feel free to skip it. Plus, it's going to be hella long.

*****

This surgery has definitely taken it's own hits on me and from what I've read, a few others online when it comes to emotional and physical pain. And I mean pain. It almost feels like it amplifies everything that was wrong in your life, if you let it and I've gotten to the point where I've let it. 

I know deep down, somewhere in the black corners of my mind, I'm not really alone. I know that. But when you physically are alone in high school and going through this sort of recovery, you feel everything and I certainly mean everything.

I've mentioned this before, but my friend recently moved a few . . . hm, thousands of miles away from me about a month ago. I shouldn't have said friend. I should just say best friend but let's be honest, staying in touch with people long distance is hard. Staying in touch with anybody can be hard if both people put effort in, yes? Well, lately I've never felt so alone in my life and that my be the fact that I've failed to make more than one real friend in high school or maybe it's because I've always really been lonely and I've just been in denial the whole time. 

I've never been that social and when I look back at my old friends I almost want to laugh at myself haughtily for even thinking that I belonged with them or that I could call them friends. The first one, I had been friends with from kindergarten to about fourth grade until she moved. She walked all over me and she never really got me. She was my first 'friend', if I can call her that. The next two, I met in 2nd grade and was friends with both of them until . . . hm, maybe my freshmen year of high school. One of them had got lost in the drug and smoking scene and the other was an utter b**** to me. She, like the first, managed to walk all over me as well and created the illusion that she cared for me. In reality, I personally believe that she was and still is one of the most self-centered person I've met in my life. And finally the last, who . . . I'm not really sure about. 

I think it's absolutely incredible how cynical I and the rest of the world can be and yet we really do rely on each other. We all feel like there's somebody that we're destined to be with when we all start out as young children. Or at least, younger than an adult. We, I didn't start out as a cynical person. I had the up-most hope for most people and expected the best of everyone. I hoped everyone would be happy and everything was just great. Then I grew up and I saw a few things and I experienced a few things and found how cruel life is. I feel so fortunate all that I have, of course, but I guess right now, I don't know what else to do except talk a bit how I'm feeling. 

My whole life, I've always been decent at talking to people. I've never been very good at getting close to them and I've always been a shy person. In high school, I kind of started to get out of my shell and managed to talk to new people in high school but honestly, I still felt kind of distant from people and I definitely feel even more distant now. When I have absolutely nobody to talk to physically about how I feel then I just shut down. I give up trying to fit in. I find it ironic that society says if you're feeling lonely or sad or suicidal or whatever then you need to talk about it, but here, it's almost like if you open your mouth about being sad then you're not right. It's wrong to feel sad and not only are you whining, but you just want attention. 

Anyway, this surgery has certainly amplified it. When I feel the need to talk, I don't want to and I get really frustrated when I can't even vocally say what I want to because nobody can freaking understand me. When I feel the need to have somebody truly listen to me, I don't think anybody will quite get it or care that I'm feeling this way. It's a hard feeling to describe but I'm pretty sure everyone's been there. 

The recovery for this surgery is a long one and quite frankly, I feel discluded from everything I do. When I feel ashamed to smile, I know that something isn't right. I don't even like to look at myself in the mirror anymore. I am my worst critic but I don't think I've ever felt this 'low' in my life. I mean, there were times in middle school when I felt pretty bad, but I honestly wasn't thinking logically. I feel as if I've grown a lot in the past three years of my life and I've really learned about myself and my flaws and my strengths and I know that when I no longer feel like I want to try to fit in is when I really just have given up. 

I was hoping that I could survive a year and a half of high school by myself and quite frankly, I can't. Or at least, not easily. This year has absolutely drowned me in stress and homework and just really hard things to deal with. I was a mess when my friend moved and now that I'm lying here, writing this, it's like somewhere, I'm saying goodbye to a part of my life again. I'm feeling nostalgic and just utterly depressed these days and I don't want to. I really wish I could live in the moment and just fully appreciate what I have and just deal with the pain and the loneliness or whatever this is but I really don't feel like I can hold it in much longer and that's why I'm writing this.

On the other hand . . . 

I know in my heart that I'm not truly alone and that gives me a little bit of hope. I know that people with this surgery have felt this same way and when people needed them, people reached out and that is what truly gives me the hope that I have right now. And as I sit here, being the cheesy person that I am, I will continuously read LoveGiveMeHope stories and hopefully watch some One Tree Hill will get me through this. I look back at what happened to me last year with the same friend that moved and I had also been so very frustrated because she was here but not here. I felt lonely then too. And I can't quite decide which is worse. Feeling lonely while being surrounded by people or feeling lonely and actually being physically alone. 

Deep down, there's hope swimming around in my heart and in my mind and I'm looking forward to college. I'm looking forward to getting stronger. I'm looking forward to smiling again and loving it. I'm looking forward to loving life again.

For all of you who read this, I thank you, I guess. It means that someone cared enough to read it and someone just took the time to read this. For any of you who are going through this surgery and also having a rough time, I can say that I can relate in a way. I hope that you're recovery is going well and that you continue to improve little by little. I pray that you get strength and you become a better and much stronger person through this. I hope that you find someone to fall back on.

I truly believe that God, who's up there watching this, is smiling down, saying that He would never put me into a situation that I can't handle. He's making me stronger through this and I'm hoping I'll see the results of this, sooner, rather than later. (:

To close, I thought I'd end with a good quote I found:

“Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.” 
― Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper

I believe it really shows how people really do try at first to fit in and find their place and after a while, they give up and find an excuse as to why they live the way they do. I hope for myself that I don't ever make someone feel the way that I do and I'm really hoping that from this, I'll learn to start being a little nicer to people and doing the right things, even though I know some people think it would be stupid.

Stress

I think I've now decided I'm never going to procrastinate again in my life. My stress level has gone through the roof in the last couple of weeks with catching up on stuff and not understanding things in math. While trying to decide on a pre-calculus test, I've decided that if I don't get it, then I'm pretty much not going to try all that hard and then replace it with my final exam score and hope that I do amazing on that. 

I hate my junior year in high school and to all of you who are getting your surgery around that time, I advise you, if you don't need to do things during the summer, TAKE IT DURING THE SUMMER. Because of this stupid surgery, I've managed to be really behind on things and feel really stressed out about homework and tests in about two or three classes. I also advise you to get your homework DURING the time you're recovering and do it at home or at least attempt to do it at home. 

I don't think I've ever been this stressed out during my high school career and that is saying a lot, considering I've been stressed out a lot about things. It's a pain in the rear to have to deal with recovering and deal with the amount of stress I've put on myself from being so nervous about tests. I don't know how to time manage being able to relax and study and do homework when in reality, it seems like I don't have time at all to relax . . . and I'm afraid to say that I might just have to deal with that, even though I know for a fact that it isn't good for my body at all. I've decided that I flipping hate life school for the moment being and I wish teachers didn't load me up with so much homework.

On top of that, my lovely band director has decided that because of my inability to play the clarinet, I can no longer audition for being a section leader. This surgery is no freaking friend of mine. I think each week, it's trying to figure out a way to make me want to give up and just crawl in bed and cry the whole day. It's not so much that I'm not able to audition, it's why I can't audition. Really? REALLY?! Well, congratulation to the obvious winner who's getting section leader. I know he'll be great, I just wish that I could get a chance to audition. This season in marching band, I plan to just focus on myself and not focus on others and hopefully enjoy my senior year of high school and relax. *sigh*

I wish I could be locked in a white room and some music . . . heh.

Before and After Pictures-Four Weeks Post Op!

So wow. It's been four weeks after my surgery and it's NUTS to think that I've gotten this far without dying. Hahaha . . . so I thought it was officially time to post before and after pictures although my smile is definitely still strenuous and tense and not at all what I hope my smile would be when I have all of the feeling back in my face. 

I'm anxious to put these up but . . . I'll get through it. 

 This was a few months before surgery. I actually had make-up on and I had gotten a haircut. And I had refused to smile with all of my teeth.

A full smile before surgery! If you look close enough or whatever, you can see I have a gap in my teeth. This was for a dance . . . that's why I'm so dressed up.

 Day of surgery! Yikes! Sorry it's such a bad picture of me and I'm not wearing any make-up. I went at like 4 or 5 in the morning and my mom said that I should go in something comfy . . .

 Profile from my right side. Before.

 Profile my left side. Before.

 Today . . . and with a smile! (: It's definitely wonky and I haven't worn make up in a while. As you can see . . . my gap has suddenly disappeared! WOOHOO! After photo.

 Just a regular smile no teeth. After.

 Side profile from the left side. After.

Side profile from right side! After!

Updates

I thought I'd do a check-up on everything with you all as I'm now a little past three weeks post-operation. 

Pain: 1/10 if not 2/10 on some occasions.
Swelling: I'd say at least 50% gone.
Numbness: I still can't feel the majority of my face but I know some of my sensations are coming back. I can feel below left eye, which I couldn't before. I can also feel whenever I'm touching my face. My right side is still the most numb and so is my upper lip. Or rather, the area right above it. My nose is still numb but not 100% numb. I don't think anything is 100% numb, but it's still not 50% gone.
Diet: I've eaten anything from blended up hamburger, beef stroganoff (my mom makes it with rice and she really crushed the meat up), blended up chicken salad, pancakes, french toast, scrambled eggs, the usual mashed potatoes (probably my go-to dish), yogurt, shakes, applesauce, brownies (in little bites), and all sorts of pasta (spaghetti, alfredo, and macaroni & cheese [given, I cut them up or smashed them up and they were a little overcooked]). I think what a lot of people, they don't want to eat their old food blended up because of the texture. I've come to say, it all goes to the same place and I want my nutrition. If I have to suffer through weird stuff then I'll deal with it.
Weight: I've lost about 12 pounds!
My smile: I think it's really awkward because when I smile, thinks are really tight and confusing. Luckily, everything lined up with my teeth so now I'm just waiting to be able to truly smile.
Bleeding/Breathing: So my doctor said I shouldn't be blowing my nose . . . but I should be using my netty pot. But let's be honest, I don't use that sucker at all because it sucks. So what I've done is taken people's advice and used q-tips and my saline spray. I've been able to breathe a little better and the bleeding is no longer there like it was all of last week. So whoopee for that!
My speech: I'm able to say things a lot clearer, according to my family. I think I'm having more issues with the mucus that's stuck in my throat to be able to talk than I am with my splint. My mom finally noticed that the doctors had put in stuff over my top teeth. Why? I have no idea. I guess it helps keep them in place?

I think that's about it! (: I think it's nuts to think that the next time I'll be seeing my doctor, I'll be a day past five weeks post-op! Wow, time does sure go by. Fingers crossed, things will continue to progress!

A Sleepover and Some Normalcy

So I went to that sleepover at like 7-ish ad I ended up being the first one there and I'll be honest, I didn't have the most fun ever. Only three girls showed up and not only did I not get to eat what everyone else was eating, but I honestly just didn't like one of the girls. I knew her from other parts of youth group and I always thought she talked too much. She bragged about how many guys have liked her and how she's a 'floater' and has dated jocks and stoners and nerds and preppy guys. She also managed to lie her way through which movies she's seen and which she has saying 'Oh, I've seen this movie' but then says, 'I bet something bad is going to happen!' Uggh. -_- NOOOO! I hate people like that. I hate them. I hate them. I hate them. I hate them. She reminds me of one of these people I used to be friends with back in freshmen year and honestly, I wanted to rip my hair out sometimes. She's the kind of person who asks you about something and then after you get about a sentence in, she starts off on a tangent about herself. 

On the bright side, I managed to paint my nails and the other girl was really nice. However, she was on her phone most of the time. I'm not sure how much I love it when people do that. Sure, it's fine if that's what you like to do and stuff but why must you use your phone when you're supposed to be social with people who are right in front of you? Please, riddle me this. Because I can't seem to fathom as to why my generation is so obsessed with their phone. Honestly? I turn my phone off at night usually and during school, and on top of that, if I'm downstairs in my house, my phone is upstairs lost in my room, somewhere buried in my covers of my bed. What's so special about our smart phones? If someone has the answer, a legitimate answer, someone should tell me. 

Anyway, the sleepover was fine. It was okay, not a lot of fun. Also, I managed to get a hold of a friend and one thing I love about him is that he teases me and makes fun of me as much as he can and that's just how we are. We're completely opposite of each other and somehow, we managed to get along. He hasn't talked to me in a while but now that he has, he treats me like he normally does and doesn't ask me any questions about the surgery and stuff because he knows I'm okay. And that my friends, is what I wish people would do. 

Doctor Say What?! (And a Little Outing . . . ?)

Hey all! 

So today was okay. Not uber exciting. I missed the first two classes and the beginning of the third hour for my doctor's appointment and it turns out you can still see bone in my gums which is absolutely gross. The resident surgeon was . . . not nice (just sorta kidding) and said that I might need ANOTHER bone graft or like a skin graft. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry . . . okay not really. Just sob for like a second. I already knew that I was going to have at least one more surgery but to think that I might have to have two makes me kind of sad. They also didn't fix the wire poking me in the back and said that I'd have to use wax. The issue with that though is the wax won't stick! So I give up. And they also took bone out of me. That sounds weird. It was like a small sliver but they saw some chipped bone in my gums and took it out. **shutters**. They said my gums are looking clean still and guess what? NO BANDS FOR ME!!!!!! WOOOOOOO! I was so happy to hear that. Apparently, my jaw has aligned to where it's supposed to so I might not have to get bands on after all! (: And what else? Um . . . I don't have to see them weekly anymore. I think I'm happy and sad about that. I have to see them in two weeks and fingers crossed, I'll get my splint out by then. It's nuts to think I'm three weeks in and I'm doing okay physically. It's weird that they always ask me how I'm doing. I don't really know how I'm supposed to be feeling to be honest. I feel like they want me to say something emotionally or something and just say I'm happy all the time but then I'd be lying. They ask silly questions . . . 

Second of all, I'm going to a sleepover with my youth group girls. I'm really, really nervous about it as it won't be . . . my bed. And I'm still recovering. And it's sad to think that I won't be able to eat what the rest of them are eating so I'm eating before I go and hoping that I'll be able to just ignore everyone else and try and be happy with where I am in my results and my recovery. I'm also nervous about sleeping on the floor . . . so my dad is bringing me a special pillow that supports your head and I'm bringing my really amazing pillow that keeps my head elevated and such and also is one of those pillow you can use to lean against on your back and stuff so I should be comfortable with that. I also have to bring my yucky mouthwash with me and my medicine and stuff. I feel like I'm high-maintenance and I don't like it. You know, like I'm over-doing things. I feel like I shouldn't feel like that though, only because the last thing I want is an infection or have to deal with pain or anything. So yes, I'm bringing everything I need to be comfortable!

I'll definitely be updating tomorrow about how that went out and I'll have to see what happens and how comfortable I feel around people I don't all that well. 

I hope all of you have a fabulous weekend and had a wonderful week! (:

Jaw Surgery is a Battlefield

I couldn't think of a better title . . . sue me! 

So I thought I'd give a quick update for today and just overall things. So high-ho let's go:

I managed to find an assignment that was a 'zero' in the grade book for a class which should bring my B back to an A so woohoo for that. Stress level has gone down like .5. I talked to my English teacher about my surgery and I was really happy to get some stuff off my chest with a real person and not, let's say . . . my laptop screen. I've never really felt 'close' to her at all, as there are some teachers that I prefer (not really this year) but I guess today it changed. She asked me about the surgery and she told me she knew somebody who was born with cleft lip & palate like me and I didn't feel so alone in the world. Like me, her friend had about 3 surgeries just as a baby and probably six total throughout my age and like that, I felt a lot better. It was comforting to think that even though I feel alone here, compared to the rest of the world, I'm not alone. I keep thinking that if I think, 'Oh, it could be worse' it'll make me feel better but it doesn't. What makes me feel better is when I managed to get some social conversation from the few nice people I know here in Colorado. Anyway, she was really sweet and stuff about everything and I'm glad she was nice enough to ask me about it in more of a personal way and not in a rude, cold, 'pity' kind of way. (:

Band is boring for me and I miss playing my clarinet and just getting lost in music that I'm producing myself. I don't have much time to play guitar these days, as I miss my free time. I had gotten a new guitar a month ago for my birthday and it hasn't been played enough, in my opinion. :P Choir has been okay. I feel self-conscience about singing still but it's nice to slowly regain normalcy and I have one or two people who I feel like brighten my day more. Other people . . . hmm, how do I say this nicely? They like to put attention on themselves instead. So. Yeah. I'm going to leave that as is . . . 

Uhhh math is stressing me out. I hate my classmates in that class, but I guess that's something I'm going to have to deal with. I also am way behind in that class still (kind of) and math is never an easy to class to catch up in. Pre-Calc is great, it's just . . .not easy all the time.

World History is stupid to me. I hate it right now . . . only because the teacher is just . . . hmmm. I don't know. He was the ultimate push over the cliff for me. I've always been someone who likes to see people earn their respect from me instead of just getting it because they were older than me or better than me or smarter than me . . .you know what I mean. Anyway, I don't want pity but I do want understanding. A lot of teachers seem to have this picture in their mind that their class is the ONLY class I'm behind in. They are not only wrong but they are absolutely insulting when they say things like this. Especially coming from a girl who does care about her grades and somebody who not only doesn't have a lunch hour, but somebody who chooses to not have a lunch hour and not complain about it. I don't have an off-hour like 99% of the people in my school so this to all of you stupid teachers: "I'm sorry I don't have your class at the TOP of my priorities right now. I'll get to your class when I get to it and if you have a problem with that, then maybe you should learn to get some patience and understanding. I'm trying my hardest and I no longer have the patience to deal with people any more so pushing me isn't helping anybody."

As in school in general, I would say I don't really like being there anymore. I feel like it's all the same people and the same drama and the same stuff every day. I don't really feel inspired to learn anything new this year and I'm more excited about my classes for next year. I've noticed that I love it a lot when people treat me like a normal gal. I've always been someone who has known a lot of people but never been 'close' to them so when people say hi to me in the hallways like usual or make small-talk with me, I see a little bit of light in my brain and I love it. I also noticed that I get really self-conscience around certain people nowadays. I might make it a rule for myself and not talk around certain people and not smile around most people. Heh. I also notice that I look at people differently these days. I find myself staring at their teeth instead of their eyes, like I usually do which is beyond weird for me. It makes me seem like a creep . . . but I guess I'm just curious about how they sound so normal and stuff but when I did talk before the surgery I was nasally and had a bigger lisp. It's intriguing I guess. I'm anxious for marching band actually . . . which is another chapter of my life I'll be getting into towards late May or even when I can play the clarinet again. :P

I talked to one of my brothers after to school and I felt a little better as well. I love being around some of my family sometimes because I know they don't really give a crap about what I look like, they just care that I'm feeling better and I'm feeling myself. Anyway, talking to my brother made me think about how I miss being able to have someone outside my family understand me so well that they just get it. Which is why I had ended up going to Youth Group at my church. Unfortunately because it's newer, the people who go there don't go there on a regular basis so it's hard to keep friends that you think you make. However, I like all the leaders there as they visited me in the hospital and they're so supportive, so that's nice. 

Overall, today was okay. It wasn't great but it wasn't as bad as yesterday. I'm slowly learning to deal with things, one day, sometimes one minute at a time. I've learned that some people don't exactly always know that I just had jaw surgery and I need to learn to have some patience. I've relearned that music is and always be my first, true love and best friend. Speaking of which: confession time. As a self-obsessed teenager (only joking . . . kinda) in bed and around the house for the first week of recovery, I managed to discover One Direction. I'm ashamed to say this, but their videos actually made me feel a lot happier because everything they did was so light-hearted and their music is so happy and upbeat. It just goes to show me that music always can brighten up my mood when I need it. So yeah. Even though before, I never thought twice to think to listen to One Direction, I got into it and now thanks to their music, I'm definitely a little more optimistic than I probably would have been if I didn't listen to their music.

As for an actual update on me, physically:
-I got a few dizzy spells tonight where the room feels like it's spinning and I have to close my eyes for a minute until it goes away.
-My upper teeth feel like they hurt sometimes when I talk, maybe it's my nerves being reawakened? 
-My smile is still a little wonky. I've decided that I shouldn't judge my smile until the numbness in my face is at least 70-80% gone. Everything feels tight when I smile
-My canker sore is a big, fat, pain the butt.
-It hurts to yawn.
-My nose is still runny and I hate it during school.
-I happen to still drool sometimes, even when I'm thinking about it. I did it at school and it was really embarrassing. ):
-I could have said this earlier, but I noticed that on the left side of my face I could see the outline of my cheekbones--I couldn't do that before. Now, I can see a SMALL line on the right side of my face so that means the swelling on that side is slowly decreasing.
-I still have a slight cough.
-The pain is still minimal! Yay for that.

I think that wasn't really a quick update, but that's okay! I must go now, as I have to wake up early-ish and head downtown for another doctor's visit in the morning!

Hitting a Brick Wall

So today, I kind of, sort of managed to have a mental breakdown on the way from school and I thought I could vent here so I'm venting. If you don't like it when I vent then please feel free to skip this post. :P

I don't know what brought it on. Maybe it's my newly found canker sore I have in my lower left gums. Maybe it's the food I can't eat. Maybe it's how self-conscience I am of myself and my surroundings. Maybe it's the stress. Maybe it's the mere fact that I feel like teachers are PUSHING me to be caught up already and be able to do everything I used to. Maybe it's the poking wire I have in my cheek. Maybe it's the fact I lack friends here. Or maybe, just maybe, it's all of the above.

I feel overwhelmed with emotions these days and I really just want to breakdown into tears. Unfortunately, I know deep down, that all of these people are expecting me to be okay with this and be okay with the pain and the numbness and the food and everything else but you know what? I'm really not. I mean, yes, there are days when I'm just chipper and happy and dandy but then there are days like today when I feel like someone's hit me in the chest and knocked the wind out of me. 

I'm so behind on school it's not even funny and it's not normal for me. I'm unbelievably scared right now that I have like three B's. I'm so scared about the ACT that I have coming up next Tuesday. I'm scared that I'm not going to do well and I'm going to end up not getting into a good college. Hell, I don't even know what college I really want to go to and it's bothering me. I'm scared that I'm not going to do well the end of this semester and it's the most important freaking semester of my high school career and I don't know what to do. I'm not okay with being behind in school but I also am not okay with forcing my body to do things it doesn't want to. I'm constantly irritable these days and annoyed and tired and frustrated and it's unbelievably well . . . all of those things. I don't like it when I'm this negative. Yes, I'm a cynic at times but not like this. I feel completely stressed out and I don't ever know what to do. 

I feel like I don't have anybody to talk to like I used to and that hurts even more. I don't even know what to do anymore. I feel like I have to sit in silence and deal with my own thoughts and that's the last thing I want to do, especially when all my thoughts are negative these days. I mean, I freaking cracked my phone yesterday. I have a canker sore in my mouth (which I haven't had in about a year), I have a cough, and I constantly feel like I need to get stuff out of my nose to the point where I'm paranoid about it at school. I hate it. I don't ever feel comfortable smiling anymore and I just . . . don't know what to do with myself. 

I know that somewhere in the corners of my brain, there's a bit of light shining through wanting me to be optimistic about the whole thing but  I can't seem to do that today. I constantly am alert of everything around and I'm constantly stressed out. I hate it. I hate it so much.

. . . . .

Anyway . . . I think I'll change the topic now since I think I've managed to hit all the emotions I'm feeling right now. An update:
-The swelling in my face has gone down a bit. It's still mostly on the left side and my lips. 
-My numbness is kind of going away but honestly, today feels like every day before. I mean, it's not like the first week but it's definitely not like I can feel anything 100%.
-I have a stupid canker sore in my mouth and it hurts.
-I'm getting tired of having my mom ask me what I want to eat from somewhere to which I reply with, "I can't eat most things there, Mom." When really, I want to reply with, "Stop asking me what I want from a place I can't eat from. Just come home and I'll make myself another bowl of mashed potatoes or eat another bowl of macaroni cheese or another cup of yogurt." 
-My nose is constantly running. I. Hate. It. 
-My right nostril sometimes have blood in my 'snot' (sorry for the info there) and it's annoying. I have no idea how to get my nose clean.
-I've lost ten pounds. Which is nuts to me.
-I'm tired most of the time.
-The dizziness has gone down a bit but I still get it occasionally.
-I have a stupid cough.
-I can open my mouth pretty far now without it hurting on the left side anymore.
-I can hear a difference in my voice. It's not nasally anymore . . . I love that. I hate that I can't talk normally though.

So yeah. That's about it. 

Sorry about the rant and I hope all of you are doing better than me. :P Eh. Sue me. I'm in a 'pity me' mood. 

Quotes of the day:

"So many people are looking to me to be strong and to fight but I'm just surviving. And I may be weak but I'm never defeated and I'll keep believing in clouds with that sweet silver lining. And most days I try my best to put on a brave face but inside my bones are cold and my heart breaks, but all the while . . . something's keeping me safe and alive." ~Sweet Silver Lining, Kate Voegele 

"I'd rather make sandcastles instead of these wide world decisions. I knew, I knew it all was catching up to me. And I don't have a plan at all, but I got this six-string religion and I do, I do believe a song can heal me . . . it's enough for me." ~Sandcastles, Kate Voegele

A Lesson Well Learned

So . . . as of late, I have been blowing my nose. Nuh-uh. No way. I'm stupid. Bad idea. NOOOOO! 

It's not that it has done anything to me as of late, but I've noticed lately, after my slight 'cold' my nose has been uber . . . stuffy to the point where I can't breathe at all through my nose, which I guess I'm used to since before this surgery, I've typically been a mouth breather. Unfortunately, I learned it the hard way. I loved that I could breathe through my nose for the first week and I did avoid blowing my nose for a while but then I started blowing my nose and I've noticed that some old blood is coming back up and I can't afford that. I read online as well that apparently, you're not supposed to blow your nose. Newsflash. I DIDN'T KNOW THAT! AAHHHH! My doctor said nothing to me about blowing my nose and now, guess what? I have to find a polite way to get out all of the blood clots that are in my nose!!!!! WHY?!!?!?!?!?!? 

The only issue that I have with my nose being clogged is that it makes talking a lot harder for me as I can't really sound things because everything sounds nasally and not to mention, I still sound weird when I talk due to my lovely splint. It frustrates me and not only that, but since I'm 'attempting' to sing in choir . . . having a stuffy nose while you sing makes you sound like a dying walrus or something. Or a pig. I don't know. It sounds bad, okay? 

I have officially learned not to blow my nose and shall not for the next . . . I don't know. Does anybody else know how long you're not allowed to blow your nose? Maybe I should ask my doctor on Friday . . . when I see him. Yeah, I'll do that.

Putting Things Into Perspective

This blog post isn't going to be about my surgery necessarily, so if you'd rather skip it, please feel to do so. If not, well, this is about a sad, tragic thing that I just heard about.

I recently just heard about the bombing that happened in Boston and my heart breaks for those who lost someone in those bombings. My heart breaks for the person/people who was the cause of this as it's a horrible thing that this much hatred could be filled in a person or a group of people. I don't know if anybody can really explain why someone can be like this but really, I don't know if anything to me, is a good enough reason to injure or hurt or kill someone who was completely innocent. 

To me, this really put things into perspective. I know now, after hearing countless attacks of innocent people and experiencing it myself, that I will forever be thankful for what I have. I know that I need to keep my mind open and know that even if something bad happens to me, then I need to be able to think about things and think about things. I know that I love my family and my friends and I'm forever thankful for what God has bestowed upon me and my family. I'm beyond thankful for the love, hope, and faith that he's given us. I'm so thankful that I have what I have and although there are things in my life that always don't go great, I know that things could be so much worse for me. 

I really want to say that it's absolutely a blessing to be where I am today, alive and well. I'm thankful for my parents who adopted me and gave me a roof over my head and loved me even though I looked absolutely homely from my condition I was born with. I'm thankful for those who are so kindhearted and gracious and so generous, as I am envious of people like you.

This surgery has definitely been an eye-opening to me as I've seen my strength and weaknesses being challenged but I have absolutely no right to complain about things right now. I had been talking to my mom last night about people not being able to fix their own cleft lip and palate because they don't have the money and the resources to be able to get the surgery they need and it gets to the point where they are my age and they can't really eat because they have that hole in their lip and their palate.

With all that said, I just want to shout to the world about how thankful I am and how sorry I am to hear about what happened in Boston. I had gone through a school shooting from where I am and that had really made me think about things too but it's always sad to see myself only be thankful for things in times of tragedy. So I'm hoping that this time, for my own sake, and I can constantly remind myself about all the things I'm fortunate with and mostly, the loved one I have surrounding me. 

Once again, my thoughts and prayers are with those who have lost someone or is hurt in Boston. 

Quotes:

" . . . But I know Jesus and I talk to God and I remember this from when I was young--faith, hope, and love are some good things he gave us, and the greatest thing is love."

“Life without thankfulness is devoid of love and passion. Hope without thankfulness is lacking in fine perception. Faith without thankfulness lacks strength and fortitude. Every virtue divorced from thankfulness is maimed and limps along the spiritual road.”

A Little Setback

Thought I'd do a quick update for all of you for the day, as it is Saturday, so high-ho let's go!

Anyway, so last night, I could literally feel myself getting 'sick' as my throat was getting hoarse and dry and a little annoyed and I woke up this morning with a sore throat. However, I don't think I'm technically sick. I didn't have a fever so I think it's my allergies bothering the living daylights out of me. ): 

I'm currently just relaxing as I just took a bunch of Ibuprofen and decongestant as I had this huge headache. Let's just say I'm a tad bit grumpy right now. ): Okay, may not grumpy . . . how about uh, restless? Frustrated? I don't like having to deal with a massive headache, a bit of a sore throat, and a runny nose along with the numbness and soreness in my face that I'm currently having. I really just want to hide underneath a blanket and cry . . . bahaha. 

So yeah, that's my update!

Have a fabulous evening/day/morning. Whatever. Meh. Stupid time differences.

Another Doctor's Appointment and One "Week" Done of School

I have such an original title for blog posts, don't I? Hah. Not. 

Okay, just a quick update on what I managed to do today. . . 

I had a doctor's appointment, as it seems like I'm going to be having one with him every week, I guess? Anyway, he said that my gums look really good and clean and stuff so I was really, really happy about that! (: He also said that my gums are slowly going over the bone for my teeth and stuff where they made the incisions above my canines so I was really, really happy about that. They also managed to poke me in the face. >:( I didn't like it. Although it was 'necessary'. They wanted to see how much feeling/sensation I was getting back in my face, so they used a piece of paper on both sides (I felt more on my left . . . which I guess kind of makes sense) and then they managed to take a pointy stick (which I'm just going to call a toothpick) and poked me in my cheeks and stuff. It honestly hurt. I was surprised that I could feel anything but my skin felt over sensitive. He also said that my swelling has gone a lot, but obviously, still there. Let's be honest, it won't be completely down for a while. He also said my side profile looks different, so I guess that's good? I don't know. I really hate my nose right now. Since I was born with cleft lip and palate my nose has always been asymmetrical but now I actually see it slanting. Let's make it short and say it brings my self-confidence down a bit. . .

Anyway, moving on . . . today was the same as the last two days, but I did to get miss the first two classes due to a 'wonderful' doctor's appointment, which I guess isn't a big deal. Um, I managed to kind of sing in choir and I skipped a freaking hard Pre-Calc test. Ok. I didn't skip it, I got to 'opt' out of it because I wasn't ready for it . . . yet. **shutters** I also managed to not have to take that World History test so that was kind of nice. It gives me the weekend to study for it. Oh the joy. Um, that's about it. My day was boring. I noticed that I also feel self-conscience about showing any sign of happiness--laughter, smiling. Why? I feel like my smile is beyond stupid right now and I don't know how to smile. That's sounds really sad, but it's true. I feel like people look at me funny when I'm smiling or laughing nowadays and I just don't want to smile anymore, not at school at least. I also don't like talking still and I also found myself feeling pretty lonely. Since my best friend moved, I haven't really had anybody to talk to so now it's really just me and the few 'acquaintances' that I have. I don't feel comfortable talking to anybody about this because they honestly won't get it. They don't understand why this is a big deal for me because they don't know my past or my history when it comes to my braces or my smile or my cleft lip & palate. I do a good job of hiding it. 

On that note, I'd just like to say that I'm glad I have this blog to vent because I have nobody else to vent to. I guess I'll be happier later when this is all over. For now, I'm holding on with the amount of sanity and happiness I still have. :P haha. 

Hope all of you have a lovely weekend! (:

Quote(s):

Being strong is facing the truth and not falling apart when everyone expects you to.

Life is full of challenges, but these challenges are only given to you because God knows your faith is strong enough to get through them.

I am a strong person, but every now and then, I also need someone to take my hand and say everything will be okay.

I am strengthened by my weaknesses. I am brave because of my fears. I am greater because of my mistakes. Life goes on, forget the past.

"Back to School, Back to School . . . "

Howdy internet world! (:

So I'm really sorry for those of you waiting to see what my 'back to school' experience was since it seems to me like I'm one of the few people who actually go back to school only a week and a half later post-operation. 

So I'd just like to officially say that I'm not dead and I'm okay. So whoopee for that . . . 

Actually, it wasn't terrible. There wasn't as much as staring as there was a lot of questions for why I missed a freaking week of school, which I guess is understandable. A few people who nice about it, asked about my face and why it was so swollen and I simply responded with, "I had jaw surgery." Let's be honest now, it got old to tell after about the third time. And not only that, a lot of people had follow up questions because some people knew that I was having surgery. They asked how it went. (Fair warning: I'm going to just let out all my pent out frustration from today and yesterday.) HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW HOW IT WENT? I was out for six hours, stupid people! I mean honestly, if I'm alive and I'm back at school, then yes, it went fine. Now if went bad, do you honestly think I would be back after a week from such a major surgery. HELL NO. Geez! 

Okay . . . I'm done. (Maybe . . .) A lot of people had follow up questions after I said I had surgery. Sometimes I would just say I had jaw surgery. Other times I just said I had surgery, period and hopefully they'd understand that I didn't want to talk about it. Nay. The follow up questions tended to be: "What exactly did you have done?" "How long are you going to be numb?" "How long will you not be able to sing in choir?" "How long can you not play in band?" "Are you on a liquid diet?" "How long are you going to be on a liquid diet?" "Does it hurt?" "Did it hurt?" "How long is the recovery time?" and you know, my favorite: "Why did you have this surgery?" (to which I wanted to reply with, 'Oh you know, I really wanted to get corrective jaw surgery). 

I was trying to stay positive and I didn't reply to any of these questions with sarcasm--honest. I just wanted to punch people in the face after a while. I'm a pretty sarcastic person so when people ask stupid questions (and yes, there is such a thing as a 'stupid question) then I want to just roll my eyes and turn around and walk away. I understand a lot of people are curious but you know, if you didn't originally talk to me before the surgery, don't talk to me now just because you noticed a change in my face or my absence at school. It makes no difference to me if you care or not. I mean, of course it's nice to know I was missed by certain people but goodness gracious . . . 

On a physical note, I did get dizzy a lot and I really don't know why I always get dizzy. Does that happen to anybody of you? I get dizzy whenever I have any sudden movement at all and when I leave over or sometimes, it's just random. It's weird for me. Also, I noticed that I do NOT like it whenever anybody is more than a foot close to my head, or even me anymore. I feel the need to put my arms up and push people out of my way because I'm so afraid of the amount of pain I would get if someone were to be reckless and run into me. Two girls were horseplaying in a pretty 'narrow' hallway and they ran into me. I about lost my patience for the day, as it was after school and wanted to tell them to be more careful. Instead, I held up my arms and rolled my eyes to myself and carried on with getting my things together so I could get the heck out of dodge.

On the emotional side of things, I felt kind of happy about getting back to normal but I felt unusually more self-conscience about the swelling I have. I need to post an actual picture when I get the chance but I'm waiting for a while. When I'm at home, I feel okay about my face and I feel comfortable as it's just me and my mom and my two lovely puppies (dogs, whatever) but when I'm surrounded by people, I feel like my face is more swollen than it really is and I have to look in the mirror just to see what I really look like, as I'm still numb. It's a weird feeling. I also feel like a complete and utter idiot when I talk to people due to my splint. I want it out, let's just say that. I sound like I have a really weird lisp and can't pronounce my words because well . . . there's something constantly in my mouth, ha. I hate talking and I actually have to give a presentation in Spanish--yeah, screw that teacher. Blegh. I felt okay but there are times when I just want to give up and cry. It's not me and it bothers me. :-/ 

Now, finally, for the real part . . . school. I missed five days total, as I had a snow day on Tuesday of this week and then came back Wednesday and I am actually more behind than I wanted to be. I have at least two tests to make up, a presentation to make up, all of my math homework to catch up on, book notes for Honors Chem to read and annotate, an in-class essay and multiple choice for AP Language and Comp., and I can't freaking play in band or sing in choir due to the fact I'll make the group sound horrible with my splint and my horrible talking/pronunciation. 

Music is a really big part of my life and it's hard not being able to do that after a while, actually. I mean, I can sing on my own terms but not with the choir. I can play the guitar whenever I please at home and the piano, but I can't play clarinet. It's weird to think about and I think I'm deprived! Blaaaaaah. 

Anyway, that's a semi-quick update! I must go and study for a HUGE World History test so tah-tah-for-now!

Surprise, Surprise and A Little Deep Thinking

So, it turns out . . . my gap in my smile is gone! WOOOOOOOO!

So, to actually explain what this means, I'll actually try to explain this, hahaha. So, for . . . the time that I've gotten my braces, I've had a gap in my smile. A big. Gaping. HOLE. This is also where the fistula was in my mouth. It was between lip and my gum of where my canine tooth or whatever was supposed to be. Actually, I once had that tooth, but the dentist and orthodontist at the time thought that it would be best to take that tooth out and then we'd replace that tooth with a fake one. 

It turns out, now that I can kind of smile (although it still definitely hurts and it strains my face because of the swelling I still have) I can actually see that the gap is gone. It's filled with a tooth!!!! I think what they ended up doing was moving my jaw in a way that filled the teeth in where that hole was and now, I have a 'complete' smile. Well, kind of. 

Anyway, I was actually really happy to see that because I've always hated that gap. It was really wide and I felt really self-conscience about it because well, everyone else I know has a normal smile. A 'normal' face. A face that everyone is so used to seeing while mine definitely has it's differences from everyone else due to me being born cleft lip & palate.

So yay! It makes me even more excited to see what the future has in store later for my smile and my face. I'm just hoping that it won't make more self conscience . . . which I guess, leads me to my next part of this post. 

So I'm going back to school tomorrow. I'm officially twelve days post-op and I'm definitely feeling strong enough to go back to school, as my surgeon/doctor said that it would be okay to be going back to school. However, I still get random dizzy moments and I still feel self-conscience about my face partly because I know for a fact that I look different from what I used to look like. At the end of the day, I know I should be happy about this surgery, but at the same time, I'm so nervous about the results. 

I didn't tell that many people about this surgery . . . just a few teachers (not even all of them) and my best friend who's a thousand miles away and obviously, my family knows about it. The only difference was that I know that somebody was listening to me talking to a teachers so they know about it. So yeah . . . 

I guess what I'm most afraid is people will be judging my face more than I do and even though I know it's not 'right' to care about what others think about you, it's kind of impossible. I think everyone has at one point in their life, dwelled on the flaws about them. I want people to think that I am strong and I'm okay with this process because truth is, I am. I'm keeping an open-mind but I'm afraid people who don't know anything about this kind of operation or my life will end up just going straight to a conclusion about my face and who I am and that is never going to be okay with me. 

I think what's going to end up happening is people are going to want to talk to me and people are going to want to ask how I am and stuff and just observe me but that makes me feel like some stupid science project. I don't feel like being social, although I'm sure a lot of people feel like they should be social after this . . . or maybe they do feel like me? I don't know. I just know that talking makes it even more evident that I'm different and I've got a new scar in me both emotionally and physically and I don't think I can handle that at this point in time. 

I'm hoping I will learn to not dwell on this and I'm able to keep my head held high and hopefully, managed to go back to school unscathed and okay in the end. 

I'm also anxious to see how homework is going to ruin my life. ): Ugh. For all of you wondering, I'm definitely an anxious student who works hard at whatever I can to keep my grades up and being away from school has taken it's own toll. It's hard not to fall behind while missing about five days of school and let's be honest, I'll probably be buried in homework and stuff and that is going to be the death of me. I'm anxious to see how I hold up with the stress.

I'll keep you guys updated and hopefully, I'll be able to post something after I get back from my first return to school.

I hope all of you are wonderful and for those of you also dealing with the recovery of this surgery, I pray that you guys are all recovering nicely and feel just as confident as you should. (:

Beauty in the Breakdown/Being A Friend/Supportive

Hey all!

Sorry I haven't really updated everyone in a while. It's been hectic at my house with all the stuff that we're doing to fix up the house while someone is here. We ended up having to take out the internet router to paint my room and pretty much all of upstairs so that's why I wasn't able to write at all yesterday!

Just a quick update on me physically: The swelling is still present. My mom and I have decided it has gone down somewhere between 33%-45% but it's mostly on the right side of my face because that's where they made the incision to move my jaw. I was also really dizzy yesterday and I had a MASSIVE headache and I wasn't very happy and managed to have a little breakdown of my own. It's definitely frustrating when I can't eat what I wish I could eat and it's also frustrating when nobody can understand what the heck I'm saying. This surgery definitely makes things difficult on you but it's all about keeping your eye set on the end of the tunnel. 

So I thought I'd make a little post about what it means to have a friend or people being supportive throughout this surgery. I have to admit, there are times when I'm so thankful to have my family with me through this, as my best friend moved away about a month ago. Since then, I have not taken the time to make a new one because I've never been social but I still keep in touch with my best friend, obviously. 

The one thing I noticed though, was that whenever anybody has decided to make fun of the fact I can't talk very well or something I'm not exactly very happy about it. I mean, why wouldn't I? You try going through six hours of surgery and then get back to me. 

I'm usually pretty independent as I've said before in previous posts and a lot of people say I'm really good with taking the heat with things and just 'rolling with the punches' but that doesn't mean what people say don't get to me. I think that goes for everyone, actually. 

All I'm saying is that if you know of anybody who will be going through this surgery or is going through the recovery process, it would probably be appreciative if you would be supportive as you can. I mean, that doesn't mean I wish people would say, "Dang girl, you look hot now!" as I know that's not true but giving me words of wisdom always helps or when people say that things are going to get better is always helpful. I don't like it when people say, "I'm so sorry," and I hate it when people who usually would never give a flying f*** about me tend to ask me what happened to my face. It doesn't help because I'd rather not talk at all, let alone to someone like that and even then, it sounds rude. Just know that something happened and all you have to do is treat me like you normally would . . . I would much rather go back to how things were pre-op than people to act differently because they feel sorry for me just because they knew I went through this type of surgery.

Having relationships in this surgery is always helpful. (I'm talking having people in your life . . . not like having a boyfriend/girlfriend, by the way). It lets me know that I'm not going through this alone and that if I'm struggling to cope with this surgery then I can 'talk' to people about it and know that they'll be listening to me and helping me get through this. That's all that matters. Especially when I've read that some people have gone through an amount of depression when people go through this surgery.

For those of you reading this who are in the same boat as me, I wish you all a speedy recovery that goes really well without any bumps in the road. I also hope that your results come out really, really well and you are happy with your new smile! Stay positive and things will get better in no time. (:

Quotes:

“A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow.” 
― William Shakespeare

“Life is an awful, ugly place to not have a best friend.” 
― Sarah Dessen, Someone Like You

“I would rather walk with a friend in the dark, than alone in the light.” 
― Helen Keller

Supplies and Such

Hi everyone!

I thought I'd do a certain part of my blog personally to go into detail as to what I would get for the hospital stay and more importantly, when you get home. These are all some things that I either would want personally or things I got personally for food, health, comfort, sleep, etc. 

For those who are wondering what my case is, well, to be more specific, I had an underbite and I couldn't really tell you specifically for the name but I got my upper jaw moved forward a few mm and I got a bone graft and a fistula closed. My jaw is NOT wired or banded shut yet but it might be shut later so my teeth can line up so to be fair, some of these suggestions will only apply to me as this surgery is all based on your own case.

So high-ho let's go!

For food/drink:
Mashed Potatoes (yes!) and gravy (if you like it, if not, it's not really that important).
Apple Sauce
Gritz (I put cheese in them after a while but they're really good if you don't get tired of them)
Yogurt
Milkshake items (yogurt, fruits, milk, etc)
Icecream
Pancakes (Some people won't be ready to eat these, as well as the rice and the scrambled eggs. It all depends.)
Any drink that you like (for me: Gatorade, Tea, Water, stuff like that)
Rice (this one I will tell you that you aren't probably going to want that much so it isn't necessary for you to get them. It's just a suggestion if you want something different.)
Scrambled Eggs
Soups (just the broth though)
Macaroni & Cheese (I mushed this up a lot to eat it)
Baby spoons (as a supply)
Syringe (most doctors supply this when you leave the hospital I hear. It makes eating certain things and drinking things a lot easier.)
Straw (I've officially been able to drink from a straw since, two days ago, I think, and it's a little easier than the Syringe.)

As I said, this is my case and what I like but they are ideas because I know some people will probably a little upset about not being able to eat what you normally can.

Health/Comfort:
A kind of stand up pillow (I have one and it's really nice to use to sit up when I sleep and just for my back in general)
Lip Balm
Mouthwash (I have prescribed crap but it's definitely helpful)
baby toothbrush
icepack/heatpack
lotion (my face gets really dry these days now)
And pretty much anything else you're probably going to want that's obvious like comfortable clothes, blankets, etc.)

Hope this was of any help to some of you but if I think of anymore, I'll update this portion of the blog.

Doctors Visit and a Trip Back to School

Hey all! 

Thought I'd give a quick update on today. I'm still fine pain wise and such and stomach still seems to hate me for taking that nasty liquid Ibuprofen and Tylenol but oh well. I'm not much a fan of anything that goes into my stomach these days. A good steak dinner sounds nice right about now, actually. 

So today, I went back to the "lovely" doctor's office to get a big check-up and I have another next week and it was really rather funny because I refused to smile. Why? Because it FREAKING HURTS! I found it quite amusing because the current resident surgeon or whatever was like, "I don't think she likes us. I think she hates us." And I really don't. I'm just trying not to laugh or smile because it hurts a lot and quite frankly, I'm not a social gal and I don't like talking to people . . . let alone trying to talk with a splint in my mouth. Which, according to my doctors, said it was put in too far back or something and also, my speech is different now. I don't know if it's good or not but they could tell I didn't quite care.

As for everything else, um, the doctor said I need to be brushing my teeth to be fighting infection because where the were closing the fistula in my mouth and where they made the incision to cut into my bone are pretty big 'cuts' and also, apparently, you can see bone. Which I find rather gross and I really didn't need to hear that. 

I can honestly say though that I hate going to the orthodontist and them though because of how NOT gentle they are with my mouth. I understand that they need to look at all of this stuff in my mouth but quite frankly, they are not gentle at all and they just yank my lips like I'm such rubber band that'll spring back after it's all said and done. NAY. And them having to lip my upper lip to look at my gums and my fistula wasn't fun although it was numb. I found it weird because it still hurt even though I was numb. I'm not really fond of it. 

Lastly, I went back to school to get some updates from my teachers and stuff to catch up on it all and lemme tell you, if you're going to get this type of surgery done or any major surgery done like this and you go to school (high school, college/university, etc) I would advise you to do it during the summer. It gives you time off to rest at your own pace. I'm not saying I'm not ready to go back or anything but I do have A LOT to catch up as I'm a student. Okay. I'll be honest. I'm a junior in high school. 

Anyway, it was okay to see people again but honestly, I feel self-conscious about the way my face looks these days. I don't want a lot of pity and I don't want people to start talking to me (mostly because I hate people and now I can't talk to save my life). I'm glad people were supportive about everything but I don't think anybody really gets what you're going through unless they've been there before and even then, people react to things differently so they still don't know how you're coping or anything.

After that, I got home and I was honestly EXHAUSTED from walking around for thirty minutes at school trying to say hello to teachers and stuff. It's not fun, let's be honest. :P I was dizzy and tired after that and I was surprised and I'm kind of even more scared to come back on Monday. People, especially in high school (more specifically my own) try really hard to feel sympathetic for others but sometimes, to me, it seems like what they're saying comes out wrong and it means nothing or it doesn't help me at all. They want to talk but honest to god, I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO PEOPLE! Gah! It's frustrating. I just want to sit and people watch all day and laugh silently in my own mind and just enjoy what I can for right now.

So yeah. That's my update for today. Nothing exciting today and I'm not sure I'm really up for a quote for the day, so yeah. 

Hope all of you are good!